Keeping Your Calm in a Culture of Conflict

07 Jul Keeping Your Calm in a Culture of Conflict

In the current season of unusual controversy and conflict in our nation, Christians must make sure we get our cues on how to respond to conflict, not from culture but from Scripture.

So much of our conversation has degenerated into name-calling, issue-baiting, and knee-jerk overreactions.  Less and less are people interested in dialogue.  More and more they want to simply silence opposition.

It’s a challenging time to be a Christian.

James 3:15-16 says that wisdom which is generated from selfish ambition (the source of conflict) is “earthly, natural and demonic,” and produces “disorder and every evil thing.”  When we look at the disorder and evil of the circumstances around us, it is not difficult to understand where it is coming from.

Biblical standards of behavior

But Christians, on the other hand, are called to an opposite value system, basing our responses in that which is “heavenly, supernatural and divine.”

As a base-line, as a starting point, Christians are called to a high standard of behavior in their everyday lives:

• “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” (Luke 6:31)
• “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-39)
• “Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore, love is the fulfillment of the law.” (Romans 13:10)
• “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3)
• “Whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant.” (Mark 10:43)

That is hard enough.  But then, when our dialogue with others degenerates into acrimony and name-calling, when it gets personal, when we are attacked for our motives, when there is no attempt to understand, only to condemn, what is the Christian response?

Biblical standards in conflict

Well, if you think the first set of verses was a challenge, wait until you see the second:

• “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
• “So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone, just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.” (Colossians 3:12-14)
• “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.” (Matthew 5:39)
• “But I say to you, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you.” (Luke 6:27)
• “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” (Galatians 6:9)

When representing Christ, our primary interest is winning the person, not the argument.

We want to speak the truth with love (Ephesians 4:15).  We are to speak the truth, but we are to do so in love.  We are to speak in love, but we are to also speak the truth.  It’s an essential balance to keep.

Three ways to encourage calm in the face of conflict

Three things have helped me with the formidable challenge of keeping calm in the face of conflict and speaking the truth in love.

First, resting in my worth in God’s eyes.  I have found that the more secure I have become in God’s love, the less I am goaded by the words and attitudes of others.  Earlier in my life, when something was said or done to make me feel inferior or disrespected, I felt I had to defend myself in the moment because I had no self-worth in the bank that I could draw on to quench the offense.  My instinct was to fight fire with fire and try to return better than I was given.

Now, I am more able to say, subconsciously, “God thinks a great deal of me, so it doesn’t matter so much if that other person (who isn’t nearly as important to me as God) doesn’t.” Then I also say to myself, “That person probably does not understand how much God loves him.”  If he did, he likely would not have said what he said.

Second, I recall the number of times I have acted like a jerk, only to regret it later.  When someone offends or hurts me, I tell myself, “If I had that person’s personality, temperament and painful life experiences, I might be worse than he is.”  And I try to give him a break, which I hope others might do for me if the circumstances were reversed.

Third, I regularly review one of my affirmations: “I will leave behind small attitudes, values and behavior, and I will rise to great ones.”  It’s one of the truths that I am committed to repeating until it changes me, which will likely be the rest of my life because there is no end to growth in that area.

These three things help me keep my calm in a culture of conflict.

I am certainly not perfect in my responses.  My tolerant wife is the most frequent recipient of my lapses.  But as Benjamin Franklin observed about his own moral development, “I am a better person for trying and failing than if I didn’t try at all.”

Drawing on the poem If, by Rudyard Kipling, “If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you,” you are on your way to demonstrating Christ to the world.

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