RESPONDING BIBLICALLY TO DIFFICULT PEOPLE IS ONE OF LIFE'S GREATEST CHALLENGES
The second greatest command is: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:39). So, it is no small thing to love your neighbor!
Yet, all of us have the challenge of loving people who are particularly difficult to love. They may be arrogant, manipulative, or self absorbed. They may be critical, sarcastic, or self-promoting. They may be overtly difficult to love, or they may be subtly difficult to love. But everyone has the challenge of loving difficult people.
I have found three perspectives that are helpful in coping with difficult people, and one practical step.
Three Perspectives for Coping With Difficult People
- Walk a mile in their shoes
There is a well-known proverb: "
You can't understand someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes."
I have found this to be an extremely helpful truth. The longer I've lived, the more I have seen that present unpleasant behavior is often rooted in past wounds… and that when people are hard to get along with, it is often because they are subconsciously trying to protect themselves from further pain.
In fact, I initially gained this insight many years ago when I observed that my own difficult behavior was rooted in my own attempts to protect myself from further pain.
I remember reading this quote a number of years ago:
“We ought always be kind to others, for they may be walking life's road wounded.”
This was early in my adult life. I saw, in a flash of insight, that I was walking life's road wounded, and was so deeply appreciative when people were kind to me in spite of it. And it only seemed right that I should return the favor.
If we only knew the wounds that other people have taken in their lives, it would be so much easier for us to have empathy for their difficult behavior. What's more, who knows how bad we would behave if we had taken those same wounds? We might be worse.
So, the first aid in coping with difficult people is to assume that their attitudes and behavior could be rooted in past wounds.
2.
Be quick to forgive
The Bible is unambiguous about our responsibility to forgive others:
- The Lord's Prayer says, "and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors" (Matthew 6:12).
- "But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:15).
- Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-22).
A fundamental
responsibility as a Christian is to forgive others…
as God has forgiven us.
And, as a side benefit, operating from a base of forgiveness goes a long ways in helping us cope with the difficult behavior of others.
3.
Rest in your security in Christ
As I have become more secure in who I am in Christ, I have become much less thin-skinned, and
walking in others shoes, and being
quick to forgive have become much more automatic.
Becoming secure in Christ means seeing ourselves as God sees us, with inherent and infinite value:
- Accepting that I am loved in Christ, and adopted into God's family (Ephesians 1:3-14)
- Accepting that I am significant in Christ, and belong in His body, the church (1 Corinthians 12:12-21)
- Accepting that I am competent, gifted to do whatever He asks me to do (Ephesians 2:10)
My own difficult behavior is typically rooted in my attempts to try to cover up the fact that I don't feel loved, that I don't feel significant, and that I don't feel competent in any given moment. I tend to try to hide feelings of inadequacy with behavior that is off-putting to others.
When we get our feelings hurt by others, it is typically because we feel vulnerable, - that there is truth in what they say – so we react in fear or anger, and respond accordingly.
As I have become more secure in who I am in Christ, I am much less thin-skinned, much less likely to respond unhelpfully to others in my attempt to hide my own feelings of inadequacy.
One Practical Step for Coping With Difficult People
The most practical aid for coping with difficult people has been to memorize and meditate deeply on 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:
Love is patient, love is kind and is not envious; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Nearly 10 years ago, I memorized this passage so deeply I could say it as fast as an auctioneer. I have recited it (along with a set of other
SuperVerses) nearly once a day since then… over 3000 times.
Repetition is the key to mental ownership. And,
if something is important, we must repeat it until it changes us.
Romans 12:2 says:
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”
Working this passage backward, we see that we can be living demonstrations of the fact that God's will is good and acceptable and perfect, but only if we are transformed. And we are transformed only as our minds are renewed.
Mental renewal is the key to life transformation. As we memorize Scripture and meditate on it over time, its truth sinks deeply into our subconscious where it changes our fundamental attitudes, values, and behavior, and bubbles up to change us on the outside in deep and profound ways.
Conclusion
All of us are in relationship with difficult people. We are called by Christ to love them. It is not insignificant. It is the second greatest commandment.
As we memorize 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 so well that we can say it as fast as an auctioneer, and as we recite the passage daily over time and meditate on it, the Word will have a powerful transforming impact on our lives. Further, it will help us to more fully employ the perspectives of (1) walking a mile in others' shoes, (2) readily forgiving them, and (3) resting in our security in Christ.
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max@bravenewdiscipleship.com. I try to answer all emails, but, if not, I may address in future blogs the questions/issues you raise.
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